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On or off

So recently i have been feeling a bit skewhiff a bit off not sure how to explain but let met just say that i have spoken to my gp and counseller

Ive been having such vivid horrible dreams i wake up and switch the light on to get rid or run away from the threat sometimes it takes lots of minutes before i realise that its not real then takes more minutes to an hour to get back to sleep
This happens alot during the night making it difficult to get to sleep in the first place as im scared/anxious of having these ‘dreams’
And these ‘dreams’ or visions or whatever they are, are starting to effect me during the day not jyst because im tired but because i keep seeing things move out the corner of my eye or hear buzzing
I check to see if its the cats or a fly or something but even when i know its nothing i still look for the cause of the movement or sound
Thats not all my blood pressure is high generally due to anxiety but it drops quickly when i move causing me to feel faint shaky and dizzy stopping me doing things till i know what causing it it seems to be a meds thing but having an ecg on tuesday to rule out anything scary

Tbh i feel like an hypochondriac or that im going actually pychotic a fear ive had forvyears but tbh right now im terrified imcgoing loopy i know i shoukdnt use that word im the first to cringe when someone says crazy manic maniac lunatic insane but im out of ways to explain how i feel
I have 3 cbt sessions left my mood stabilisers are at a very high dose and im trying to lose the weight that is effecting my blood sugar and other physical issues i have

Ive tried to be honest on this blog trying to document how it is to live with mental illness to breakdown the stigma of talking about these issues.  This post has been hard to write im ashamed of these things that im not coping that im not getting better and in 3 months ill have not worked in 4years 4 years where i shoukd have started to get better or at least improved yet i still struggle to go out see my friends or even get out into my own garden

People are starting to get bored with the fact im still ill i sense their inpatience i mean come on katie 4 years your just a bit sad and tbh lazy….


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