My best friend

Its funny how as you grow up and become an adult you have so many friends that come and go. Some friends stick around for the long haul and some are just well around at the good times. I have a friend who has been around since i was 5! Suzy. Suzy who has known me and been there for me through the darkest and most horrible periods in my life and the lightest happiest moments. She moved up north 6 years ago ive missed her company everyday since. I see her at least twice a year but its not the same….. In our early 20’s we shared a flat deepening and strengthening our friendship spending time together, cooking together and clubbing together.
I dont have to explain why im a bit awkward round babies or why i hate large crowds or why i dont talk about certain things….EVER. But shes there for me she laughs with me understands my quirks and hopefully knows ill never not be there for her within my abilities.

My best friend, a childish term but no other words describe suzy.

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On or off

So recently i have been feeling a bit skewhiff a bit off not sure how to explain but let met just say that i have spoken to my gp and counseller

Ive been having such vivid horrible dreams i wake up and switch the light on to get rid or run away from the threat sometimes it takes lots of minutes before i realise that its not real then takes more minutes to an hour to get back to sleep
This happens alot during the night making it difficult to get to sleep in the first place as im scared/anxious of having these ‘dreams’
And these ‘dreams’ or visions or whatever they are, are starting to effect me during the day not jyst because im tired but because i keep seeing things move out the corner of my eye or hear buzzing
I check to see if its the cats or a fly or something but even when i know its nothing i still look for the cause of the movement or sound
Thats not all my blood pressure is high generally due to anxiety but it drops quickly when i move causing me to feel faint shaky and dizzy stopping me doing things till i know what causing it it seems to be a meds thing but having an ecg on tuesday to rule out anything scary

Tbh i feel like an hypochondriac or that im going actually pychotic a fear ive had forvyears but tbh right now im terrified imcgoing loopy i know i shoukdnt use that word im the first to cringe when someone says crazy manic maniac lunatic insane but im out of ways to explain how i feel
I have 3 cbt sessions left my mood stabilisers are at a very high dose and im trying to lose the weight that is effecting my blood sugar and other physical issues i have

Ive tried to be honest on this blog trying to document how it is to live with mental illness to breakdown the stigma of talking about these issues.  This post has been hard to write im ashamed of these things that im not coping that im not getting better and in 3 months ill have not worked in 4years 4 years where i shoukd have started to get better or at least improved yet i still struggle to go out see my friends or even get out into my own garden

People are starting to get bored with the fact im still ill i sense their inpatience i mean come on katie 4 years your just a bit sad and tbh lazy….

Stuff ive been thinking about

So i like to think im open minded and i know i dont have fear of being different or being in the company of someone different
But
I see differences and i think about those differences sometimes those differences concern me
Im a white lower class childless single woman i consider myself british and a christian i have mental illness that is debilitating and im dyslexic im overweight vegetarian non-drinker non-smoker coffee drinker highly medicated and a cat owner
That pretty much describes me theres some other things i coukd say but they wouldnt make my point

I dont see myself as more important than anyone else

I do see myself as less than others ie im less important than a mother or someone with a disabling physical illness

Im not trying to make myself out to be woe is me thats not the point the point is that society makes me feel less important
I went to a majority white middle class secondary school most of my employment as been majority white middleclass i dont know many disabled people, people with different religions/culture or people from a different country

I used to have lots of gay friends but not any more not anything sinister just the way it is

When i see someone different or talk to someone who tells me their different i consider this i think about it it reminds me of my differences
I go to college im in the minority im one of the oldest students i have a mental illness and im dyslexic im different

Differences concern me because they mean too much i mean that the differences matter they effect how we are treated what is accessible they effect who we maintain relationships with
This isnt fair

I dont care what race you are whether your disabled whether your mentally ill whether your tall or short gay straight or bi whether your trans whether ypur christian or a jedi and whether you were born in britain or the middle of the pacific ocean
If your reading this your human and THAT is all that matters

Bad starts

So this morning i had a panic attack about leaving my bed
I got up eventually but havent moved from the sofa much
I had plans for today ive failed

That sense of self loathing and the negative thoughts are growing but not sure how to stop them so just using distraction techniques
Im colouring in i ate a whole pack of biscuits and will shortly be designing a new baby cross stitch
Might jump on the exercise bike if i can pick up my mood enough but i think thats too optimistic

I hate being restricted but its hard to fight those restrictions when they are in your own head

I can do this!

I may have days when i cant leave the flat or even brush my hair
I may have days when the concept of ever holding down a job frightens me so much i shake and shiver
I may have days when the most simple of tasks strikes me with such a sense if overwhelming fear i hide my head under the duvet
I may have days when i go into college i spend most of the lesson outside the door taking deep breaths and cups of water
I may have days where i have to just stay in doors else the stress of being outside will upset me so much i cry the entire time
I may have days when i cancel my plans to see a dear friend as the thought of having to make conversation makes my tummy flip
I may have days when all i can do is eat
I may have days when i ignore the phone as picking it up fills me with dread
I may have days when i cant even see my mum

One day i may have days where i can do what ever i want

Tomorrow is another day

I hate that expression
Tomorrow is another day
Its so banal and almost patronizing

Tomorrow you wont be ill tomorrow youll be able to do this or that
Tomorrow youll never be ill again

Yes tomorrow is another day but for many tomorrow will be just the same or even worse

I use that expression i hate using that expression but still i use it hoping that it will be true one day

The expression i try to live by is
Dont put off what you can do today till tomorrow

I try but its hard

I desperatly want to tidy my flat wash up do washing finish craft and art projects
But tonight my neck hurts so bad i want to cry im tired from a long and difficult day at college and to be perfectly honest i cant be arsed

So tomorrow is another day…..

Refresher

So i started this blog in august last year for only one reason

To get people talking about mental illnesz and its effects

Im not sure ive achieved that

I find it hard to blog when im feeling shit

But ive tried

Its been worth it

Lets end the stigma of mental illness by talking about it